No Child Left Behind, the Basketball Version

1:59 pm

(Forwarded by Lakeitha, a little joke that’s floating around the Web, origin unknown.)

The basketball version of what is going on in education right now.

  1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship their basketballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.
  2. All kids will be expected to have the same basketball skills at the same time, even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in basketball, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY BASKETBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!
  3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interested in basketball, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don’t like basketball!
  4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th games. This will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad basketball players.
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Steve Rawley published PPS Equity from 2008 to 2010, when he moved his family out of the district.

filed under: Humor

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8 Responses

  1. Comment from Lakeitha:

    An addition to the rules from Lynn.

    If a team loses three consecutive games, will it be broken up into
    three smaller teams??

  2. Comment from Steve Rawley:

    Well, we know the Jefferson Lady Demos aren’t going to be “left behind!” w00t! Go Demos!

  3. Comment from Zarwen:


    The breakup-into-smaller-teams rule will apply ONLY if a multibillion-dollar corporation can be found to finance the breakup.

  4. Comment from howard:

    NCLB aside it is interesting to note that high school basketball teams are comprised of a limited number of players who try out.

    High school players learn the fundamentals and polish their skills in elementary schools, camps and community leagues and long hours of preparation prior to arriving at high school.

    Tryouts, scrimmages and games are “high stakes tests” for players and teams.

    Likewise, the key to having a high school full of academically successful students is being able to build a learning environment and staff capable of facilitating the academic growth of a goodly number of well prepared freshmen embarking on their high school careers.

  5. Pingback from Around The Blogosphere: No Child Left Behind | So You Want To Teach?:

    […] And of course, there is the beloved No Dentist Left Behind (also, the Football analogy and the basketball version) […]

  6. Comment from Mister Teacher:

    This is great!

  7. Comment from NCLBSTINKS:

    NCLB IS A JOKE! I am sick of it. My children are not learning! They are being taught how to take a test!

  8. Comment from John B. Tang:

    Even though I agree with all of you about NCLB, but there is one area that this law is helpful. It is to hold districts accountable for the progress of ELL students. With NCLB laws, ELL students are supposed to make progress at least one level every year. So Level 1-2 ELL students are supposed to progress to Level 3-4 the next year. So far, NCLB laws have not had teeth as only 32% of ELL students have achieved this benchmark. The 68% ELL students either stayed the same or declined. As a district, PPS has not been held accountable. So it is a good thing that now PPS is found out of compliance and is under sanction from the State. This is the first time ever that any district in Oregon has to be placed under sanction. The State is withholding $617K from their Title III money until the compliance problems can be fixed. And also as a result, PPS school board is asking for an internal audit of the ESL program to ensure the money is being spent on ELL students and to ensure that the program is being effective. So NCLB does serve a purpose and that is to advocate for the people and communities that are voiceless.